Characters NAILDUCT: A six thousand year old demon who dreams of what life is like outside of their dead end job in Hell’s call center. SLUGBOX: A younger demon who is career oriented and competitive. FROGTUBE: An older demon who used to possess shepherds. This job in the call center is their soft retirement. Setting A call center in the middle of Hell. Time A little after noon. Devil Town (A call center in the middle of Hell—three cubicles in a line decorated with novelty posters, tacky trinkets, an outdated desktop computer, and a standard office phone. SLUGBOX and FROGTUBE are both in rolling chairs, talking across their wireless headsets. Next to them, NAILDUCT—their coworker—dials another number and rhythmically taps their pen until the phone clicks.) NAILDUCT Good afternoon. Am I speaking to (consults their call list) Sam Ko-stop-u-los? Yes? Perfect. And just to confirm what we have here, were you recently damned to Hell? Yes? Perfect. Um, well, Mr. Kostopulos, my name is Nailduct the Spider Emperor, and I'm calling on behalf of the Satan Beelzebub Corporation. We are currently conducting research on customer satisfaction and would like to know if you would mind spending a few minutes answering a couple of quest—You're too busy at the moment? What do you mean you're too busy? You're being tortured for an eternity! You don't have a few minutes? Sir, it would really be very helpful if— (A humming dial tone marks the end of the conversation. Nailduct hopelessly sets their headset on the table and kicks the wheels of Slugbox's chair. Slugbox raises the microphone on their headset.) SLUGBOX One moment.(lowers the microphone on their headset.) So, on a scale of one to ten—one being "torture, suffering, and eternal damnation" and ten being "Hellish"—how would you rate your experience in Hell thus far? One? Perfect——Well, that is the last question I have for you today. Thank you so much for completing the survey today Mr. Reeves; we really appreciate your time. You should be able to see your reward——um, the coupon to TJ Maxx, on our website in the next two or three days. Just be sure to finish making your account. (raises the microphone on their headset.) What's happening? NAILDUCT I'm quitting today, Slugbox. SLUGBOX I don't have any time for this again. Do you understand that the semi-quarter ends this week and (looks behind himself and then leans in) Frogtube the Duke of Torture is catching up to me. (lowers the microphone on their headset.) NAILDUCT I'm serious this time. SLUGBOX One second. (faces away from Nailduct) Good afternoon, am I speaking to Rishith Vaddavalli? Yes? Perfect. And were you recently—— (Nailduct reaches across Slugbox's cubicle and hangs up their phone.) SLUGBOX HEY! NAILDUCT I'm going to quit today. I've made up my mind...for real this time. SLUGBOX I don't believe you. NAILDUCT I'm going to send Mr. Haborym my resignation right now. It's already typed out. SLUGBOX Oh really? Do me a favor real quick and watch this. (Slugbox taps on Frogtube's desk. Frogtube raises their headset.) FROGTUBE One second. (lowers their headset.) Yes, you will need to wait two or three days to see your TJ Maxx coupon pop up on our website. Yep, you're gonna be able to get free shipping on orders over $89. Perfect! Have a good day now.(raises their headset) Is everything okay? I'm so far behind. The semi-quarter ends this week. SLUGBOX There is no way you are gonna catch up to me. FROGTUBE Are you trying to distract me right now? SLUGBOX Nailduct said that they’re going to send Mr. Haborym their resignation today. FROGTUBE Was that really the best distraction you could come up with? NAILDUCT I'm serious! FROGTUBE Sure you are. (lowers their headset) Good afternoon, am I speaking to Keeling—— (Nailduct lunges and hangs up Frogtube's phone.) FROGTUBE (Cont.) HEY! NAILDUCT I am telling you guys that this is it. I have had it. SLUGBOX Dude, you have been threatening to quit for the past six thousand years. NAILDUCT And this time I'm serious. I'm tired of the way we get treated. (Frogtube goes back to working.) SLUGBOX It could be worse. (Slugbox presses a button on their office phone and hellish screams play over speakerphone) NAILDUCT We used to have dreams Slugbox. Aspirations! SLUGBOX Oh, believe me, I still have dreams. I still have aspirations. Do you even know what the prize is for this semi-quarter, Nailduct? Whoever gives out the most TJ Maxx coupons is gonna get their own TJ Maxx coupon. I already have a shopping cart full of graphic tees, extra slim jeans, and knit insulated cuff beanies. NAILDUCT Those aren't aspirations! You can buy all of those things. SLUGBOX But the savings! NAILDUCT That's not the point. Look at Frogtube! They used to possess shepherds. (Slugbox realizes that Frogtube is working and hangs up their phone.) FROGTUBE HEY! SLUGBOX You do not get to work while I'm explaining to Nailduct that they aren’t going to quit. FROGTUBE They'll burn themself out. Just let me get back to work. NAILDUCT Frogtube, don't you think there's more to eternity than this? FROGTUBE Are you kidding? This is the best job I’ve ever had. I don't have to smell like sheep all day, there is air conditioning, I have good job security, and if I get back to work I think I really have a shot at winning that TJ Maxx coupon. I have been shopping on their website all morning. SLUGBOX Did you see the holiday buffalo plaid notch pj set? FROGTUBE Yes I did! And I also saw a review that described them as comfy, coordinated, and stylish. NAILDUCT This is torture. SLUGBOX Torture is three floors down. NAILDUCT That's it. I'm sending Mr. Haborym my resignation. (Nailduct turns back to their desk and theatrically hits the enter key on their keyboard. WHOOSH! Nailduct stares intensely at the computer.) FROGTUBE They actually went through with it! SLUGBOX There's no way. (leans over to inspect Nailduct's computer) Dude, no way. NAILDUCT Yup. FROGTUBE You actually did it...It's already past noon, but Mr. Haborym should still be on his lunch break. We might be able to sneak into his office and delete your resignation before he sees it. NAILDUCT No. I did it. I finally did it. SLUGBOX What are you gonna do now? NAILDUCT For the first time in my existence, I have no idea. SLUGBOX I don't think anyone has ever quit before. FROGTUBE I've certainly never heard of anyone quitting. I only stopped possessing shepherds when they expanded the customer survey department. NAILDUCT You guys should quit too. SLUGBOX Now you must be kidding. You are a lunatic. There is no way in Hell that I am quitting right now. The TJ Maxx coupon is in reach Nailduct! NAILDUCT Then what? What comes after you win the TJ Maxx coupon? For a long time I have felt like there was a big empty hole inside of me, and if I were to guess, I would say that you have a big empty hole inside of you Slugbox, and you too Frogtube. And sure, the made in italy wool fedora felt hat can fill that hole you have inside of you. But, that hole will just keep getting bigger. Then what? Are you gonna fill it with a three piece reversible belt set? Why not?! Then, after that, when the hole is still growing, you can fill it with a leather woven tote bag. But, eventually, after a long time, you will have to face the real problem and not just keep filling that hole up. SLUGBOX That was a great speech, Nailduct, but there's no way that I'm quitting. (Frogtube presses enter on their keyboard. WHOOSH!) FROGTUBE I sent in my resignation! SLUGBOX Wh——what? FROGTUBE Slugbox, don't you see? Nailduct is right and we have to be a united front on this. SLUGBOX That speech was terrible. There is no way that you went for their scheme that easily. FROGTUBE That's true, but also, you were right. There was no way I was going to be able to catch up to you this semi-quarter. I was never going to win that TJ Maxx coupon, so what's the point? SLUGBOX They'll never actually let you quit. There's no way. FROGTUBE We have nothing to lose but our pitchforks Slugbox. SLUGBOX You're crazy. You're both crazy. Where will you even go? NAILDUCT I'll tell you where we'll go. We'll go to Massachusetts. FROGTUBE Massachusetts? SLUGBOX What's in Massachusetts? NAILDUCT Plenty of things. They have cape cod, Fenway Park, clam chowder. SLUGBOX None of this is really convincing me. NAILDUCT And they have the TJ Maxx headquarters. (Slugbox presses enter on their keyboard. WHOOSH!) SLUGBOX I'm in. FROGTUBE Perfect! NAILDUCT You guys actually sent the email? FROGTUBE Yeah! SLUGBOX Wait, why did you send me an email Nailduct? FROGTUBE Yeah, I got it too. Why did you send us your resignation? NAILDUCT Because I never sent my resignation to Mr. Haborym. SLUGBOX Why did you not send in your resignation?? NAILDUCT Because the TJ Maxx coupon was too big to leave to chance. I couldn't risk either of you outperforming me again. Do you realize how far behind you guys I've been this semi-quarter? The semi-quarter ends this week! And you guys thought I wasn't even trying? I have a whole shopping cart FULL OF CLOTHES Slugbox. But, not just clothes, I’ve got chairs, fall decor, spring decor, christmas decor, bedsheets, and lamps. I've got HUNDREDS OF ITEMS. I had to ensure victory. This plan was my way of doing that. I haven't even been calling anyone. This phone isn't plugged in! All I've been doing is shopping on TJMaxx.com. I need those savings, Slugbox. I need the coupon. And the only way I was going to win is if neither of you were in the race anymore. FROGTUBE You are the spawn of satan. SLUGBOX I can't believe you would do this to us. NAILDUCT Would you not do the same thing in my position? SLUGBOX Obviously not! FROGTUBE I might have if I thought of it. SLUGBOX Frogtube, Mr. Haborym might still be at lunch. If we hurry we can go delete those emails. (Frogtube and Slugbox EXIT. Nailduct leans back in their chair. Frogtube's phone rings. Nailduct wheels over and answers it.) NAILDUCT Hello? Who is this? Well, good afternoon to you too Mr. Moore, but no. I do not have time to take a survey. I don't care if this is to conduct research on customer satisfaction. No, I specifically remember checking the box on your website that said I would not receive calls like this.(hangs the phone up) The nerve of some people. End.
The Diamond Line
The University of Arkansas Undergraduate Literary Magazine